While a certain Fleshbot editor has already gone to the mountains for the weekend, the rest of us are sitting around thinking of ways to get you to have sex in the great outdoors. It is summer, after all.
Allow us to play the role of nagging parent and encourage you to get off the computer. It’s beautiful outside and you should be having sex! Surrounded by the conveniences and connections of civilization, it’s easy to get distracted from what really matters: pleasing yourself and your partner. This weekend we want you to grab a close friend, hop in the car, and drive until you lose all cell reception. In the wooden green solitude, you can perfect your sucking and stroking, and return to the working world on Monday with inner peace and an air of rugged sexiness.
Saddle up: What you bring generally depends on where you’re going/what the campground is like/how rough you like to rough it, so we can’t tell you exactly what you should bring. Nonetheless, here are a few extra things to throw in your backpacks.
Sex toys. And don’t forget extra batteries!
Sanitary wipes. For easy clean-up without running water.
Bug repellent. It’s not very sexy, but neither is the feeling of itchy bug bites ruining your post-coital glow. If you’re anti-DEET and other chemicals, you may want to research herbal mosquito repellents. Some can even be bundled up and thrown in the campfire to cast a natural yet effective smokescreen around your tent adventures.
Shelter Skelter: Where you sleep pretty much determines how you screw. If you drive your Winnebago up to the campground, we don’t really have much to talk about; you drive your home, just have sex inside it. Some parks and forests have bungalows and permanent tent-cabins, some of which come with wooden cots and/or plastic mattresses. These provide a nice middle ground for those who want to fuck al fresco with little more hassle than a sleeping bag. If you’re serious about roughing it and you want to pitch a tent, be conscious of the surface beneath you. Some folk like the feel of soft twigs and leaves under their hands and knees, and some folk want an air mattress. Speaking of which…
Talkin Bout My Generator: Do you need to bring a generator? They’re loud, heavy, and somewhat stinky, but they can come in handy for certain things. For example, you might want a little power so you can blow up your air mattress with the pump. Or maybe you want to plug in the Hitachi.
Nymphomaniac Wood Nymphs: You’re in the woods and you’re horny. What can you do to make this special?
Snuggle around the campfire. Fire is cozy and romantic, duh. Warm your hands close to the flames and massage the chilly parts of your partner’s body. Roast weenies, roast marshmallows, just make sure not to roast your clothing when you start stripping down. And like Smokey always says, prevent forest fires by thoroughly extinguishing the flames before you go have sex.
Woodsy bondage. Think of a tree like a bedpost, and go from there. You can latch your partner’s arms above his/her head on a branch or tie them around the trunk—leaving you free to slowly torture your loved one with a striptease, some nibbling, whatever you’d like. Some people might really enjoy the rough sensation of bark against the skin. Bring new meaning to the term “tree hugger.”
Go for a hike. You’re probably not going to sit around the campground all day, so chuck some condoms in your picnic basket and bring a blanket for some off-road love. It can be magical, but you need to be aware of your surroundings. For one, never assume you’re alone—no matter how far off the path you go, people are likely to see you. Second, watch what you touch. Even if you avoid the poisonous and itch-inducing flora, high grasses often hold ticks. When you’re done, spend some time checking each other’s bodies for little bugs, especially in warm areas like armpits and other folds.
Scream. If you’re super far away from other campers, feel free to get primal. There’s no need to hold back a serious guttural moan when you’re coming, just be sure not to bust your partner’s ear drums.
Final words of warning: Just a last bit of nagging advice…
Don’t litter. Take only memories; leave only bite marks in your lover’s flesh. Make sure trash like used condoms is stored in plastic as securely as food, because the scent of bodily fluids tends to attract animals.
Be wary of the wildlife. Apparently there’s some serious debate about whether or not sex in the wild—more specifically, the noises and odor—interests bears. Just don’t get so lost in the moment that you don’t notice the voyeuristic envoys from the animal kingdom.
· Campy camping girls via Brazzers (brazzers.com)
