“This Ain’t Ghost Hunters XXX” Spooky Story Contest

We know we said last week’s contest was the last one of 2009, but we were wrong. This is the last contest of the year, and it’s a no-holds barred battle for parody porn.

Even now and then, we like to step back and take inventory on our obsessions. While Sindee Jennings may not be our most beloved pornstar, we have to admit a strange, otherworldly attraction to her. And once we saw evidence of supernatural possession, we realized the truth: Sindee Jennings is a sexual specter from the netherrealm. We’re pretty happy about that.

So for this contest, tell us a scary/sexy story. “Scary” as in campfire ghost story or urban legend, not traumatizing. Feel free to play with classic tales of horror; everyone from Edgar Allan Poe to Eli Roth is up for plagiarization allusion.

For example, you know the urban legend about the man hiding in the backseat of your car holding an axe? What if he was really holding a Hitachi Magic Wand?

You get the idea. Post your entries in the comments section. By next year, we’ll choose the perfect blend of horror and horniness, and the author will win a copy of This Ain’t Ghost Hunters XXX!

Speaking of blends, we ought to award the winner of last week’s contest. Since there were only two entries, we’ll make this quick.

offred’s nonce form recipe was strangely appetizing. Observe:

1 Spicy Latina
2 cups Salsa and Spice
1/2 pound Chicken Heads
1/2 pound Sweet and Sour Porked
1/4 pound Dark Meat
2 Cinnamon Bunz
1 oz Dirt Pipe Milkshake
1 oz Cum Fart Cocktail
2 oz Beefeaters
minced Hawaiian Ginger
dusting of Asian Flower

Combine and stir with a Chocolate Stick. Pour into Big White Jelly Butts mould. Makes a Bakers Dozen.

Not only is it precise and elegant, but it’s 100% porn titles. For his efforts, offred wins a copy of “Seasoned Players 11: Salt And Pepper.”

But faithful Beaker’s haikus are never anything to scoff at, so we’re giving him a different chapter of Tom Byron’s Seasoned Players series. It’s (the day after) Christmas, and everyone is a winner.

Congratulations, offred and Beaker! Happy holidays to you both. We’ll be contacting you through your profile pages to let you know how to claim your prize.

· Science Fiction Sindee via Sindee Jennings in the Breeding Machine (galacticgirls.com)

Tags: , , , , , , ,

  • MattChance

    Kari Black knew that her next investigation was going to be good, as she’d been to her fair share of allegedly haunted prisons that actually turned out to be thriving. After thirty minutes of prep work, setting up night-vision cameras, and installing batteries in several miniature electronics; Kari finally made her way into the cell with the most reported activity of all.

    She wasn’t alone – she was joined by her closest friend, and fellow investigator – Julie Wells. Julie immediately turned on her voice recorder as they entered the room, and set up a flashlight in the center of the concrete floor. Julie then sat down next to the already cross-legged Kari, and stretched her legs out. She opted for a skirt that night, and the cold concrete ran goosebumps up the back of her legs, and over her ass, in areas she didn’t know could tingle. The panties she wore didn’t exactly provide much coverage.

    “Wooo”, Julie giggled. Kari turned her head to Julie and asked what the matter was. “Oh, um, the floor’s just colder than I thought… can we start our EVP session now?” Kari nodded her head in the dark, but Julie could see just a sliver of her silky sand-colored skin in the flashlight’s glow. Kari raised her microphone and asked a few simple questions for any spirit that may be in the room with them. “We heard you’ve been roaming this cell, making noise. Some people have even seen your shadow. So, why not come out and show us what you’re made of?”

    Kari paused for any reply, and heard nothing. Julie interjected, “We’re two lonely girls sitting here… we just want to know there’s someone in here with us.” Julie glanced down at the flashlight in the center of the room. “How about going to that light over there,” Julie said, as she pointed in the pitch dark, “and just push it over. We won’t be mad!”

    Kari looked over at Julie and smiled. She had taught her well. Kari had known Julie for four years… since her senior year. They’d grown very close, and Julie had taken interest in everything Kari liked – including paranormal investigations. Kari’s smile slowly receded as she became embarrassed. Even though it was dark, she was worried Julie had seen her smile, and what lie beneath it. In just the past few months, Kari had experienced strange and new feelings for Julie… every time Julie would so much as brush against her arm, or push Kari’s hair back from her face, Kari’s heart would pound out of her chest. She hadn’t dared speak of her feelings, and it was quickly becoming a guilt that she kept inside.

    Julie interrupted Kari’s thoughts with an “Ugggh.” She quickly stood up and informed Kari that the prison was “probably a bust”, as this was the main cell presented to them as having activity. The rest of the prison was completely sealed, apart from the main entrance, and they weren’t allowed to explore. The owner’s had been at least kind enough to leave them keys to these main areas overnight.

    Kari agreed halfheartedly, as she had truthfully not been paying much attention to the debunking at hand. She was working up the nerve in her head to finally tell Julie what was going on. As Kari bit her lip, staring at the now blank spot on the floor where the flashlight had been, Julie walked over to her. Kari had her chin resting on her hand, and was staring glassily at nothing in particular. Julie waved the light back in forth in her face, and Kari seemed to wake out of her trance. “Kari, are you okay, sweetie?” Julie questioned. Kari gulped big, almost hurting her throat. “Well,” Kari began, with the word coming out as more of a squeak, “that’s actually what I’ve wanted to talk to you about… I mean, what’s been bothering me – I, I don’t know if I’m okay anymore.”

    Julie scrunched up her forehead in genuine worry, and knelt down to put her hand on Kari’s shoulder. Kari instantly felt relieved, and was able to continue. “Jules, I know we’ve been friends for a long time now… and, I’ve grown to love you like a sister.” Julie grinned from ear to ear as Kari ashamedly looked back to the concrete. “But, actually, it’s passed that now… I am feeling something more. I can’t even be around you without feeling like I’m having a… god… an orgasm.”

    Julie slipped out of her kneeling position, and her legs folded to the side as she put her weight on one hand, listening intently. “I’ve… I’ve just been so, so scared that you’ll hate me for it. But, I can’t keep going like this. I just had to spit it out, because I’d trust you with my life, and you’re… the most important thing I have…”

    Kari slowly raised her eyes from the floor, as she felt a single tear creeping out. Her eyes met Julie’s, and she could now make out her face perfectly, as the flashlight in Julie’s hand was limply facing upward. Julie was noticeably pale now, and Kari felt her stomach fall. Julie’s mouth was even agape. Finally, Julie swallowed before breaking the long silence.

    “Kari… I…” Julie began shaking her head side to side, “I’ve felt the same way. I was going to ask you to move in with me just, … just next month even. I wanted to see where we could go, and if it could even work between us. You saying this… this is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. No man has ever made me feel like you have.” Julie still looked shocked, and her eyes were tired from the night investigation; but she was now grinning again, with her eyes full of tears barely held back by her beautiful lashes. She sat her flashlight on the floor next to Kari, with the light still shining up on their smooth faces.

    Julie’s hand was now shaking, as she slowly lifted it to Kari’s face. She cautiously put it to her warm cheek, and pulled Kari’s face closer to her own. Kari felt a weight lift off her shoulders as she leaned forward on both hands, and pressed her plump lips up against her best friend’s. Julie struggled to close her mouth around Kari’s lips, as she fought back her own grin.

    As Kari advanced her tongue into Julie’s open mouth, she closed her eyes – and failed to notice her flashlight rising off the ground. As Julie happily moaned, the light rocketed through the prison bars, leaving them alone – on the floor, in the pitch black darkness.

  • Anonymous

    Two words: “I’m pregnant.”

  • Beaker

    —–
    A cigar cutter.
    She brought it lower, lower.
    Tiny guillotine!
    —–
    Goth? Vampire? Join me.
    We had fun … morning … gone … bites!
    A suck-sex-ful night.
    —–
    Vagina with teeth?
    Pfft. Another crazy myth.
    Aahhh … inside … pointy?!!
    —–

  • Anonymous

    The Sexth Sense

    A woman can communicate with ghosts that don’t know they’re horny, and seeks the help of a disheartened sex therapist.

    Scene One

    The movie opens as Dr. Mallory Crotch returns home with her husband, Alan. Mallory just won an award for her service to people with sexual disfunctions. Alan tries to seduce Mallory, but she refuses, and apologizes, saying “I’m such a fraud. They just gave me an award, and I’ve never had an orgasm in my entire life.”

    Alan tries to console her when Vincent Gay steps out of their bathroom, gaunt and pitiful, and saying “Do you know why you wake up with morning wood? …. I do. I do.”

    Vincent confronts Mallory with the fact that he was once one of her patients, that he had come to her because of his frequent sexual hallucinations.

    She told him that he just needed to get laid, but Vincent’s desperation and ragged condition belies that fact. Vincent then reveals that he has a gun, and shoots Mallory in the gut before blowing a hole through his own head.

    The scene ends with Mallory bleeding, but still alive, on her bed.

    Scene Two

    Mallory has a new patient, Coleen, who suffers from sexual hallucinations similar to Vincent’s. Mallory tries to help Coleen by pairing her with a sexual surrogate.

    Mallory stays to offer guidance, and while watching the pair having sex, she starts to feel turned on for the first time in her life.

    Scene Three

    Mallory returns home in a frisky mood. She tries to seduce Alan, but he totally ignores her. A knock is heard, and Alan rushes to the door to greet his mistress. Mallory sees the other woman and storms out of the house.

    Mallory can’t resist temptation, and watches the pair through the window. She masturbates herself almost to orgasm, but ultimately fails.

    Scene Four

    Mallory wins Coleen’s trust, and Coleen confides that “I see horny people.” She goes on to explain that when people die having never experienced an orgasm, they walk around looking for satisfaction, “Most have secret fetishes that they hide even from themselves. They don’t know they’re horny.”

    Coleen eventually convinces Mallory that what she is saying is true. Mallory urges Coleen to use her gift to help the horny people complete their unfinished business on Earth. Coleen resists, saying she fears the horny people.

    Scene Five

    Coleen eventually talks to one of the horny people, a stunning man, with a huge cock. As they get it on, more horny people arrive, and Coleen satisfies all of them.

    Afterwards, the stunning guy with the big cock stays to talk to Coleen. He is ecstatic; he’s always wanted to be in an orgy, and Coleen has satisfied him for the first time in his life.

    He hands her a videotape and tells her to show it to his wife.

    Scene Six

    Coleen and Mallory goes to the handsome man’s house, and find a funeral in progress. Coleen goes to the TV, and plays the tape which shows the wife having an affair with her best girlfriend, while laughing about the fact that she never sleeps with her husband. Mallory finds herself extremely turned on by the Video.

    Mallory loses control and lifts her skirt to masturbate. The masturbation scene interlaces with the lesbian video. Eventually, the two girlfriends approach Mallory, and bring her to orgasm for the first time in her life.

    Scene Seven

    Mallory returns home, and finds Alan asleep on the couch watching an All-Girl porno. She sits next to him, and lifts her skirt to masturbate. She starts rubbing her tits, and unbuttons her blouse to reveal massive bleeding and a small bullet hole.

    In a moment, she realizes that she is one of the horny people, and that the reason no man could ever satisfy her was that she was a lesbian

    She masturbates herself to orgasm one final time while watching the porn and flashing back on all of the sexy women who have turned her on in the course of the movie.

    The film ends with a close up on the TV playing the All-Girl Video.