August 1, 2008 | 38 Comments

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? Tender Discoveries Edition

Let’s do the math: an average of five scenes per movie times seven movies. That means that at least 35 people have not had black cock before. In this day and age. I remember when we graduated we all went out and got one, and that’s hard to do in Middlebury. So what people are watching in “My First Black Cock #7″ is a tender right of passage rather than the bumpy journey mainstream media would have you believe it is. So be like last week’s winner, fleshbotpdh, and come up with the next Best First Thing for porn–with extra points granted for something that can be done on a big wheel.

· Devils Film (devilsfilm.com)
· Buy “My First Black Cock 7″ (gamelink.com)

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Author:lank

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  • Anonymous

    In honor of the recent movie: “My First Dark Cock”

    [media.tumblr.com]

  • CloudCarrier

    Since I thrive on hate, I would naturally prefer a “My Last…” series, as the finality of any career is infinite, what with all the comebacks, throwbacks and barebacks being tossed around in the sneeze of it all. For instance,

    My Last Dirigible
    My Last Egg Salad Sandwich
    My Last Hitchhiker
    My Last Time Having Sex On Camera Since the Time Before This One

    and so on. The possibilities are endless (My Last Possibility)!

    But for the sake of positivity, take

    My First Jerry-Rigged Cabriolet Cushioning
    My First Salted Slug
    My First Elliott Gould Mustachioed Pronouncement
    My First Full Trolley
    My First Hot Panini: Tongue Burn Unit 32
    My First Time This Week
    Diane Von Furstenberg’s First Thought/Best Thought: MILF’D BLT Express
    F.I.R.S.T.F.I.S.T. 6000: We’ll All Be Dead By Then

  • 1000101 is not a number. He’s a free man!

    My First Quadruple Dildo Experience

    You know, I don’t think that’s been done before. Somebody call the Hustler R&D Department immediately!

  • 1000101 is not a number. He’s a free man!

    Whoops — Google informs my that the name “Quadruple Dildo” is already reserved for a different device than what I meant… This is a more apt title:

    My First Four-Headed Dildo Experience

    The Hardy Boys knew what I’m talking about. Prepare the polymers!

  • Bentoboxx, My Tank is full of it

    “My First Natural Breasted Porn Star with self esteem who had a normal childhood and has no tattoos or piercings”

    Wait, where are we gonna find 5 to fill the first DVD???

    Nevermind

  • Bentoboxx, My Tank is full of it

    “My first fat hairy guy with a tiny cock! Over 60 scenes! (That are 2 minutes each)”

  • Bentoboxx, My Tank is full of it

    “My first kitchen utensil reach around”

  • Bentoboxx, My Tank is full of it

    “My first acting gig in L.A.”

    “My First West Hollywood Prostate Exam”

    “My First Axe Spray smelling clubbing douchebag………..today”

  • jp182

    how about sex swing Big Wheel? just flip the seat around so the girl can put her back up against the handle bars:
    [www.pedalcarzone.com]

    or if you are into machine porn, the pedaling portion of the big wheel would make a dildo on a piston move back and forth:
    [bikehugger.com]

  • jp182

    but a real first would be something like My First First Timer or My First Multiple Amputee

  • bleeble

    “My First (and Last) Inuit After-the-Whale-Hunt-Ceremony Orgy”

  • bleeble

    I’ve got one with big wheels in it but I’m saving it for later -

    so there!

  • MalzyWheels

    My First Sex Film My Parents Will See and Figure Out What I Really Meant By “I’m Doing Some Adult Modeling.”
    My First Porno Movie That Will Get My Ass Fired From Teaching High School
    My First Porn My Boyfriend Talked Me Into Doing, Only He Got Jealous and Broke Up With Me After I Did It
    My First Sex Film When I Knew That I’ll Never Be Hired As A Serious Actress
    The First Time I Realized That Having A Gaping Asshole Really Isn’t That Bad
    My First Time Doing Repulsive Men While I Was Sober Alternate title: My First Time Not Running Away From Ron Jeremy
    My First Movie Where My Son’s Friend’s Will Be Whacking Off To Me
    The First Time I Had Sex And Didn’t Feel Obligated

  • bleeble

    But seriously girls, you haven’t lived until at least once you’ve been the honored recipient of “The Presentation of the Whale Penis” ritual.

  • Come a little Miroslav Klose You’re My Kind of Man

    @jp182: My First First Timer

    One better: dual first-timer porn scene.

    Even better than that: dual first-timer to sex, shot for a porn dvd.

    Don’t know how we’re going to sneak a film-crew into the Senior Prom, though. (‘Eh, don’t look at me like that, Mr Hansen. Twelfth-grade, almost to graduation, they’re eighteen, by then. & the individuals who aren’t — they aren’t going to be in our movie.)

  • Anonymous

    There’s an interesting chain of thought here:

    My first steampunk fuck
    my first victorian-style bicycle race
    my first time being trapped in the gorilla cages
    my first nude soapbox derby
    my first pubic haircut
    my first anal waxing
    my first goatse
    my first twinkie
    my first “I swear I thought it was a woman!” ladyboy
    my first slip in the turkish bathhouse
    my first time in an apple orchard
    my first roadhead
    my first alien abduction (lightning always strikes these cooks more than once)
    my first suck my way out of a speeding ticket
    my first arrest
    my first air balloon ride (what to you do while floating for hours?!)

  • dirtybacon

    “My first anatomically correct fuck doll”

    Porn for them lonely people.

  • hodayathink is walking in the glow of love

    My first time while riding a tricycle (because a bicycle would be too hard).

  • Anonymous

    @hodayathink: I like neo-noir lesbians: Is this what we’re calling amputees now?

  • Come a little Miroslav Klose You’re My Kind of Man
  • monkeyrotica

    My First Cthulhu

  • Anonymous

    My First Time Spreading My Legs for Porn Again

  • hodayathink is walking in the glow of love

    @angelicbeef: While that wasn’t my original idea, you know what, I’m just going to run with it. Two legs and one arm, right?

    @josereyes.theroof wishes to perform Tim Harris’s sack-dance for you: Clown porn would just scare me. Seriously. I was one of those kids that was always a little afraid of clowns, and it stuck.

    One more idea: My first time faking an orgasm and milking a prostate because I just want this scene to end

  • VakeroRokero

    You know what’s hard to find?

    “My First 18 year old Virgin”

  • I.M.B.Y What’s THIS for…!

    JD Ballard resents “My first crash”
    [www.bigwheelrally.com]
    Shot by Dave Cronenberg

  • hodayathink is walking in the glow of love

    @VakeroRokero: You know what’s even harder?

    “My first 40 year old Virgin”

  • 1000101 is not a number. He’s a free man!

    How can we not honor the late Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn?

    My First Gulag Gangbang

    Ivan Denisovich lives!

  • slyty


    Nasal Virgins: My First Snot Job
    Snorts Illustrated
    Nasal Virgins 2: Whores and Snores
    SNIFF Hunter
    Nasal Virgins 3: The Jersey Connection

  • bleeble

    As for my aforementioned threat to post a big wheel reference (it had something to do with Samoans and episiotomies) – fuhgedaboutit! I just can’t top the Nasal Virgin franchise. I can’t do it!

    Also MalzyWheels.

  • bleeble

    S.N.I.F.F.

    Sexy Nasal Innocents Forcefully Facialized?

    Maybe?

    Correct me if I’m wrong.

  • slyty

    Oh, I almost forgot the big-budget, Pirates-style flick:

    The Pre-dick-tions of Nostril-damus

    and then of course, the scat version:

    The Pro-feces of Nostril-damus

    And now I wish I could unthink that, too

  • I.M.B.Y What’s THIS for…!

    “My First Big Wheel in The Sky Keeps On Turnin’

  • 1000101 is not a number. He’s a free man!

    Nasal porn = the final frontier?

    Oh God, I just had a vision of ejaculating up a woman’s nose and it coming out through pursed lips. How do you unthink something???

  • 1000101 is not a number. He’s a free man!

    @I.M.B.Y wants Sandra Romain to teach me a lesson: But will you know where you’ll be tomorrow?

  • bleeble

    1000101: R. Crumb once drew something like your uneraseable vision, but in the other direction – from mouth to nose – sort of a milk through the nose reference. He put this little “snik” sound at her throat with a thought bubble that said something like “No, wait!” in the frame right before the money frame which shows her cross-eyed with surprise. Very sick, but kinda hot.

    (I seem not to know how to do the red underliney @ thing yet.)

  • bleeble

    Wait a minute, maybe it’s that downturned arrow in the corner! I get it!

  • Gram Ponante

    @CloudCarrier: as long as it was The Guld in “Capricorn One” (and I know it was) The Winner!

    We’re cutting off entries early this week because I am going to the Lair of the White Worm. Thanks for all the excellent nasalingus entries.

  • 1000101 is not a number. He’s a free man!

    @bleeble: Somehow I think the nose-to-mouth would be more traumatic to watch than the mouth-to-nose. All due respect to Mr. Crumb, of course. But sci-fi movie references were the way to go, I suppose.