July 25, 2008 | 30 Comments

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? Mother And Lollipop Reunion Edition

Sadly, none of the pairings in this movie are of actual mothers and daughters; in fact, one participant revealed to me that “even if I had a daughter, I wouldn’t have sex near her”. But that is why porn is all about fantasy.

We were happy to see that the title was not “Fuck My Mommy and Me,” but we wish producers had respected us enough to choose some other prop than a goddamn lollipop to denote youth. Couldn’t she be texting, or filling out college applications, or working at McDonald’s? If you succeed like last week’s winner I.M.B.Y., you will have given us the new porn youth totem that will replace pigtails, lollipops, and plaid skirts. Hop to it! Your nation needs you. And so does Mommy.

· Lethal Hardcore (lethalhardcore.com)
· Buy “Fuck My Mom And Me 4″ (gamelink.com)

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Author:lank

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  • 1000101 is not a number. He’s a free man!

    You know, part of me really wants to win a WWFRD contest one of these days (I think I can, I think I can…), but do I really want to win with incest porn?

  • bleeble

    Bad goosebumps, bad!!

  • hebear mcghee

    @1000101: Why do we play the game? We play the game to win!

  • hebear mcghee

    An American Idol callback sheet? Obama ’08 t-shirt? Videoblog/Youtube channel?

  • bleeble

    Bratz doll lunchbox?

  • Anonymous

    An unwarranted sense of entitlement? An IPOD? Telling you she is 20 when she looks 16?

  • I.M.B.Y What’s THIS for…!

    Power Puff girls vibrator?
    Harry Potter/Daniel Radcliffe bedsheets
    Playing ‘the Sims 2 on PSP

  • bleeble

    A seventh grade Self Esteem Certificate? A Hello Kitty pouch full of Coricidin HBP?

  • hebear mcghee

    @bleeble: I would have said Adderall, but you may very well be ahead of the curve. Well played.

  • André Roussimoff

    This seems like the perfect place to introduce slap bracelet porn.

  • bleeble

    They’re called “Skittles” by the youths. The abuse of this is at least 5 years old, but I doubt that it has crested yet.
    The active ingredient of concern is dextromethorphan, which in excess can cause a kind of monocromatic psychedelic experience accompanied by impaired physical balance (read “street high”). Since 2006, dextromethorphan sales have been restricted just like sudafed type meds.

    Sorry for the public service announcement – back to the humor.

  • fleshbotpdh

    a bigwheel

  • fleshbotpdh

    ok I have more…

    a juicebox

    a kids size soccer ball

    any nintendo product

    a little backpack

    a barbie doll (maybe the same one she brought to the plastic surgeon’s office as an example of what she wanted)

  • MalzyWheels

    Around here, youth is defined by the obligatory, warrior symbol, temporary/fake, or not, tattoo on the back, right above the ass crack or g-string waist line. But I live in Hicksville. Plus that would be hard to show on this box cover. The girls around here also do the tattoos around their belly buttons, but in the porn realm that might get them mistaken for trannies.

    In a non litigious world, I’d go for Hanna Montana panties, but since we don’t want to infringe on Billy Ray’s lil’ gold mine I’ll recommend my favorite metaphors of youth, which are the pink, three ring binder that’s decorated with color pencil rainbows and Unicorn stickers, along with the giant, phallic looking pencil – preferably blue – that’s topped off with a thick pink eraser.

    Oh, and pig tails are a must.

  • I.M.B.Y What’s THIS for…!

    @dirtybacon:
    LOL, “fuck me and the hole I crawled out of” You are sick man!

  • Come a little Miroslav Klose You’re My Kind of Man

    @robbie158: That would make her twelve, & even with COPA being overturned by the 3rd circuit, I think it would be a problem.

    /chris rock’d
    //litigat’d

  • dirtybacon

    a chihuaha?
    a tramp stamp?
    A Miley Cyrus T-shirt?
    a recycled token of youth from an era gone by ala legwarmers?

  • dirtybacon

    on a side note: the slogan “Fuck the girl and then fuck the Vagina she was delivered from” gives me goosebumps, but I can’t tell if they are good or bad.

  • I.M.B.Y What’s THIS for…!

    @CloudCarrier:

    +1 Juicy pants

  • hodayathink is walking in the glow of love

    @josereyes.theroof wishes to perform Tim Harris’s sack-dance…: But if you do that, you can have the mom say she’s 26 and look 26.

    My idea: A Nintendo DS with a copy of Nintendogs: Chihuahua. Because we’re so far beyond actually having a real dog now.

  • 1000101 is not a number. He’s a free man!

    @hebear mcghee (is a wolf in wolf’s clothing): Ah McGhee, but do the ends justify the means? Remember Richard Nixon (if you’re older than a Gen Y, that is, else think of Gordon Gekko).

    Winning is cool so long as you’re not losing at the same time. Natch.

  • hebear mcghee

    @1000101: That was not meant as an espousing of a “by any means necessary” ethos, but rather a “there is no reason to play if we’re not trying to win”, as embodied in Herm Edwards infamous

    “>post-game conference.

  • hebear mcghee

    Hmm… let’s try it in an old-fashioned way…

  • CloudCarrier

    - slightly underdeveloped cheekbones (preferably for use w/ holographic cover for a more genuine touch)
    - massive eye rolling (again, the hologram)
    - dogeared copy of Superfudge
    - hardship license
    - sparky joviality about to be eclipsed by angst
    - knockoff Juicy-esque couture
    - “Eau d’ Food Court” Perfume (also available in “Pretzel”, “Coffee Bean” & “Second Hand Smoke” variations)
    - 128kps quality bootleg mp3s
    - geometry homework
    - a ride home in a minivan or dilapidated 25+ year old car
    - the inability to wear high heels
    - a text bubble written in chatspeak (srsly)
    - a ticket to the Warped Tour (unused)
    - questionable myspace self-portrait (one or one hundred)
    - actual, unabashed acne
    - receipts for items under $5 (gum, candy, bullets)
    - a TiVo season pass for Gossip Girl and/or iCarly
    - a Livejournal account strictly to post in ohnotheydidnt
    - a Claire’s gift card
    - & whatever Sienna Miller isn’t wearing these days (excluding married men)

    I can’t even remember seeing any girl in pigtails for the past few years outside of porn, but lollipops, ice cream cones and any other phallic food will never die out in popularity or general ubiquity: may they live on forever! And braces, too.

  • Anonymous

    how about a bumper sticker that says “Proud Parent of a Robert E Lee
    High School Honor Roll student”?

  • Anonymous

    I agree with the sense of entitlement. Rolled eyes, blue, green or magenta eye shadow would also do, along with a vacant, glazed stare.
    A Zane book (or similar approximation) would be close, as would too-tight skinny jeans, a huge quilted purse/rucksack, or a cellphone with a qwerty keyboard, for the most important texting they’ve done in the past 4 minutes.

  • bleeble

    OK, guys, I think I’ve got it. (yeah, right – but bear with with me a minute).

    The little pseudo-tweener in question should be carrying a doll.

    But not just any doll.

    No, what we have here was once an American Girl doll but has been, how shall we say, customized.

    Now she’s wearing ultra-lowcut jeans that reveal a whale tail thong, above which is an exotic bird-of-paradise slut stamp – air-brushed on the doll’s vinyl back and almost gossamer in its perfection. The doll’s wide black leather belt is studded with cut glass “bling ice” and a flashy chrome-plated belt buckle that reads “Inquire Within”.

    Continuing above the delicately pierced navel, the doll sports a deep-V robin’s-egg-blue halter shirtlet with the ever-popular knot at the bottom. What are being halted are two very seductive French-vanilla-ice-creamy breasts that have been added to the doll – not too big but just enough to fill out the costume.

    As for the head, nothing has been done except to add green and orange streaks to the hair. Because hey, there is no better way to signal sexual irony than to slut-out an American Girl doll but keep its blank, expressionless face intact.

  • Gram Ponante

    You know, people, we will never have a Jezebel-load (and I mean that in the only way possible) of commenters but I am very proud of all of you for this, this thoughtful and wondrous effort. Like taintward bootkicks are Cloudcarriers suggestions, and like sweet tears are bleeble’s (and thanks, especially, for the pharmacology lesson), bu OMFG, fleshbotpdh, a big wheel? Brilliant.

  • fleshbotpdh

    wow! do I get something (other than the sweet satisfaction of a job well done)?

  • bleeble

    Long live those naughty goosebumps, and oh yeah,

    drugs, man!