Marital Aid Test Kitchen: Eden’s Secluded Pleasures Kit

Sex toys manufactured as movie tie-ins is a concept we're prepared to say Adam & Eve invented for this year's "Eden" movie and series of products, though we can't find documentation linking one to the other. Adam & Eve released "Eden", a movie set on a tropical island, and "Eden Waterproof" vibrator sleeves shaped like seashells and dolphins. What are people supposed to think?

Far be it from us to tell you what to think, but one thought might be: "There's a porpoise at my groin."

Read our review of Eden's Secluded Pleasures Kit after the gap.

"Playful dolphins swim alongside as you explore the exotic beauty hidden under the ocean waves hand-in-hand with your lover. Our friendly blue dolphin loves tickling you with either his nose or powerful double tail until your face starts glowing with pleasure."

All right.

This toy and attachment set are perfect for that special friend who, like the Elves, is drawn to the Sea or, like Brandy of "You're a Fine Girl" fame, can only feel close to her departed lover by using Flipper as a proxy.

Of course, with the battery-powered bullet lodged deep in its brain, the dolphin no longer looks playful and randy, but horribly mutilated. For this we gave up phthalates?

And whose idea was the "Sexy Seashell"? Who said, "Suggest something a crab once lived in and it will pay off big"?

We haven't seen "Eden", but we have read "Lord of the Flies", and conch shells are fraught with meaning for us.

· Eden Secluded Pleasures Kit (adameve.com)
· Topco Sales (topcosales.us)

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Previously: MATK Archive